Cookie!

Monday, September 12, 2005

Well, as some people might say, the Boxer Rebellion was all about driving the foreigners out of China near the end of the Qing Dynasty. And only until recently was this "fact" debunked. The actual cause for the Boxer Rebellion was because of (As anyone can have guessed by the word "Boxer") foreigners and their taste for tight-fitting underwear called "briefs". Yes. That is the truth. And here are some facts to support this claim. The Chinese believed that by wearing this "briefs", the male foreigners kept the heat and all the bad "qi" (internal energy) within their nether regions, causing a conflict with the good "qi" that the Chinese male gave out, thus causing conflict in the country. Furthermore, as the Chinese male's good "qi" dissipated throughout the land, while the foreign males' bad "qi" gathered in certain areas of China, the condensed essence of bad "qi" flooded those areas, negating all positive effects of the good "qi", as the good "qi" was too thinly spread out (It can also be considered that since the Chinese males of China have small penises, they gave out less good "qi" than the penises of the foreign males which gave out bad "qi", who definitely had bigger penises due to better living conditions and a healthy diet). And they are not affected much by the bad "qi" due to health reasons and their huge builds.

So there were cries for the foreigners to adapt to Chinese culture and to wear boxers, so that good "qi" could be given out, instead of getting pent up in a dark, smelly and damp condition that could not only create bad "qi", but also cause growth of bacteria and groin infections. However, the foreigners ignored the pleas to conform, and continued wearing their tight fitting briefs, believing that these tight fitting briefs helped support their testicles and kept their penises rigid during sexual intercourse (However, it was proven later than hot conditions and tightness around the testicles made men impotent). And so the foreigners continued to run their businesses and embassies while wearing their briefs, and forcing Chinese males to wear briefs, enraging the largely patriotic Chinese population. Thus, many age-old secret societies (That were started because of feuds like "You rape my daughter I cut off your dick". That is another topic I will touch on another time) that were still around started to receive applications for membership from enraged Chinese males. But the most notable of all these societies was the "Righteous Harmonious Fists", whose members called themselves "the Boxers" (I don't know why they chose such a ridiculous name). It is believed they called themselves such, not because that they practiced martial arts, but due to their infatuation with wearing boxers, and they vowed to free China of brief wearing foreigners and to liberate their fellow countrymen who were forced to wear briefs while in service of the foerigners.

In the history of China, the "Boxers" are righteous people. They wanted only good things for their Motherland. However, most historical records, save for the one recently found, fail to mention their dress code when they went into war. Yes, most historical texts would mention that they wore turbans or sashes, but in reality, what they wore sets a whole new spin on things. And this is what they wore on their heads - boxers. Yes, they wore bright red boxers on their heads! It might sound rediculous, but take a very close look at photos of the Chinese men who took part in the rebellion. You will see that the photos are doctored, most likely by photoshop or some other program. And the words that were woven onto their banners didn't read "Support the Qing, expel the foreigners!" (Those words were deliberately changed as well). Rather, it read "Wear boxers! Expel the bad air ("qi") inside!". Yes, that is the sad truth which the whole world wants to hide. Want to know the reason why the foreigners want to hide this fact? It's because they feel remorse for their barbaric acts in China. Another reason is that they want to hide the fact that they have small penises now, due to the bad genes of their tight-brief wearing forebears.

Now, to conclude this epic revalation! The Boxers were ill-fated from the start of their cause. It wasn't due to the extreme amount of bad "qi" exuding from the penises of the foreigners, as some might expect. Rather, it was due to the fact that the boxers that the Boxers wore on their heads into battle with the foreigners often fell over their eyes when then ran or attacked with their vigorous sword techniques. Thus, the foreigners had easy wins almost all the times when they had clashes with the Boxers. On the times the foreigners lost, it can be said that they got wedgies at inopportune times when the Boxers attacked, thus they lost on those few occasions. So the Boxers ultimately lost, ironically because of the thing they fought for, the boxers. So thus is the real reason for the Boxer Rebellion explained.

Kenny died at 6:21 am