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Thursday, November 03, 2005

I feel that Kooichi, Isaac and LK are idiots. Juvenile ones at that. I don't get it when they keep making gay jokes about me. I'm not gay, I know that I'm not and I told them to stop joking about it. What irks me is the fact that they constantly keep irritating me with this "topic". It's been going on for 2 years and I don't know why they can't stop it. Sometimes I get so irritated with it I feel like hitting them. And the fact that they keep going on and on about it, like it was something really glorious to talk about, without showing me any respect. Even in the presence of people I do not know, they say such things. Why can't they stop? Is it due to ego? That's a possibility. Feeling insecure with themselves they make others look stupid just to feel good about themselves. And they spread it around so much so that other people know about it. I just hate it. I loath the fact that they can call me their brother, yet make such derogatory remarks, comments and jokes about my so-called sexual deviance in or out of the presence of outsiders.

Now, it's not like I act gay or even do anything remotely gay. All that nonsense about me enjoying sodomy with my relatives and close friends is really getting on my nerves. The fact that they insult me is bad enough. But when they put my grandfather, father or twin brother into the mix is bad enough. They show no respect for anyone related to me. What the hell? If you don't respect me that's good enough. Why bring up my elders or peers and make it seem as if majority of the males i know, exluding them, enjoy partaking in deviant sex acts. Everytime I meet up with them it's the same old thing happening over and over again. It's always about me being gay. I wonder why they know so much about the lifestyles of gays, when I myself whom they pronounce to be gay, don't even know that much. Don't ask me why I know this for a fact, yet am so irritated by it. If you were in my shoes, you would feel the same. And it seems that Kooichi, who delights in calling me gay, is the gay one. While cycling he can go around rubbing other's thighs, crotches or ass. It's really ironic.

And not only that. It seems that they have some vendetta against me. Everytime we play certain games like "Dai Dee" (Big Two) or Word Attack, I seem to be the one whom they want to lose all the time. If I ask why, I'm told that it's just to train me to play the game better so that I can hold my own with other people. It's just a stupid excuse to explain away the fact that they're just ganging up against me. I don't know what I did to deserve such treatment. I'm assertive enough for my own rights, but with the numbers stacked against me, how could I possibly win? And I'm lucky that I've learnt to control my volatile temper, or else I would get into too many fights already. I think that maybe it's time to maybe let my temper flare out when I feel things are getting out of hand. I can't always think that just because they're my brothers I shouldn't do such things. I've been too naive up till now. I want and am going to change things because I don't want to be on the losing end all the time.

One more thing I realised. Kooichi professes to have a wide knowledge of the english language, yet claims 'perspire' is spelt 'pespire'. No matter which version of the English dictionary (British or American) we're following, the action of sweating is spelt as "perspiration". And he can spell so many words wrongly, yet accuse me of being wrong. And all three of them present early this morning accused me of being egoistic. When you're right and you know it, that's not being egoistic. It's when you're wrong and yet argue that you're correct shows that you're egoistic. Sometimes people can be so blind to their faults. It shows how immature and juvenile they are mentally. I don't know when they'll ever come to realise it. But for their sakes, I hope it's soon.

Kenny died at 6:31 am