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Sunday, May 14, 2006

Once again, I'm sitting in my room, just doing nothing but chatting with friends online. I wonder what happened to my life. I know now that studying full-time and working part-time really kills your social life. I just want to sit down and chat with my friends or someone (exclusive to girls only), and just share my life's current events and joke about stuff like politics. Now my time is split between school and work. I wish it didn't have to be like this. I used wish I could turn back time, and change it all. I guess that's what everyone wants, but I guess I kind of realised that if you could turn back time, you'd never mature, because you keep going back and correcting your mistakes so much so that you forget that what you're doing is only running from your fears of failure, rejection, etc,.

For me now, it's really sad. I didn't realise what this girl, who's always telling me that I'm a really nice guy, so called "you're the best", was really like. I felt like a fool that night when I gave her and her friend a treat at Starbucks Wheelock Place. Barely 10 minutes after sitting down with our orders, she's going on about some guy she saw and wants her friend to know. So she goes ahead and then before I can comprehend what's going on, she's inside with that guy's friend, and I'm sitting outside with her friend and that guy whom she wants her friend to know. I felt really like a fool there and then. It really sucks to have such shit happen to you. And it was really rude on her part, because we were there to chat and stuff and off you go doing that kind of stuff. And what was I to tell her? Not to do it? She didn't know my feelings before that, and now, I don't think I can even carry on a simple friendship with her. I guess I didn't have the heart to tell her not to do it, so therefore part of the blame is on me. And then after that I even sent her home in a cab. I was trying hard in my heart to say no to her, but how could I, as the 'nice guy', just walk off and tell her to find her own way home? I so wanted to walk off after she pulled that stunt, but I didn't want to be rude. I guess a crucial chapter in life's lessons was taught to me then and there.

I hate myself for being indecisive and too nice. I need to be more assertive. I need to stand up for myself (no pun intended) and tell those people off. Or else, it might be that I need to rely on the mantra I aligned my uber slacker life with back in the old days, which was "just fuck it", but not in the sexual sense of it, but more like to the sense of "don't bother with it". I guess I need to find more purpose in my life and stop going down the same paths all the time. I guess this is what growing up is all about.

Kenny died at 1:11 am