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Monday, July 03, 2006

It's been about a month and a half since she and I last talked. I still remember what she said as she got out of the cab. "I promise that I'll pay you back." Don't get me wrong, I don't expect her to pay me back. I just want to have her back as a friend.

And now, it all seems like a dream, that I didn't have her as a friend, that it was all just a worthless fantasy. Maybe it's the way it ended so abruptly, without a good finale, like a bad movie. All there was was silence. I guess my weekly supply of luck just ran out that day I asked her out for a drink at Starbucks. I guess a lot of thing, but I don't know what she's really thinking. I'm always left hanging everytime something like this happens. The plot twists, and the protagonist is left with a choice. I had 2 choices, to move on or to keep thinking about it. I just went with the latter.

I can remember everytime I lit up a cigarette she would tell me that I would die soon, or that each cigarette would lessen my life span. I miss those moments of sarcasm, cynism and realism all rolled into one. They were so entertaining. It's ironic for me to note that everytime I think about it I feel like smoking. Not that I don't smoke any less now. It seems that I smoke more and more everytime I think about it. Gee, maybe she's right, I will die young. I hope I do too, because I can't stand this kind of shit happening to me all the time.

I kind of feel that my time is coming soon. My fractured top left rib is really bothering me now. Recently, it's been hurting whenever I try to go for a run. Maybe it's for the better that I die young. I'd probably become the poster boy for the anti-smoking lobby. I can see the slogan "Slacking and smoking don't mix. The more you slack, the more you smoke." It's darkly humourous, this kind of posthumous acknowlegement by the authorities as being a slacker who achieves fame through death. But then again, the government uses everyone.

And then there's this girl who's going to Canada. I don't know about her. She seems so distant now. I can't catch sight of her already. My life is just going to pieces day by day, hour by hour. Like how I always attract girls who are in their late 20's or "tai-tais" in their 40's. Even though I welcome a sugar mommy, the idea somehow scares me that I'll become a toy. Ha. This coming from me, the Legendary Slacker who aims to be rich and retire by the age of 46. The irony of my very existance is overwhelming me. I guess I better go sleep or risk becoming more cynical.

Kenny died at 12:01 am