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Sunday, February 04, 2007

Me, again. The old me. I'm still hanging on to my past. The way I used to be when I was 15 - 17. The best, and worst, years of my life. I thought I got over it long ago. But now, being with Lisa, it seems that I've entered my past yet again, when I was brazen, impulsive, impetuous, naive and basically, a spoilt brat. Sigh. I wonder why, every girl I've ever been with wants to marry me. It's like I've been jinxed to be some kind of "marriage model". If that's the way it should be, then I think that either I'm going to be married with more than 1 wife, or divorced plenty of times with a shitload of alimonies to pay off.

But now, at least with Lisa, I can say that I want to return the feeling, that I actually can marry her, and be happy. Sigh. I don't know if I can bring her the sort of happiness she wants, but I'll definitely do my best to make her wishes come true. And for her to be happy, is what I want most now. No matter what kind of shit we're both going through, I just believe that we can pull through. Like I'm living through my past years again, when I'd try to be there for my love whenever she needs me. I have issues to work out too. I need to learn to trust her more. Sigh... But she hasn't shown me that I can trust her so much yet.

I'm throughly disappointed that I myself think this way, but I can't help but feel at a loss all the time. Even though I've promised her that I'm going to let her settle her own problems herself, I myself have to bear the burden of her actions. Nevertheless, I love her. 宝贝我很爱你，希望你真的明白。不管你觉得钱比我还重要，我会一自跟着你，保护你。我死也不会停止爱你。

Kenny died at 2:05 am