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Saturday, May 17, 2008

Tonight, I went fishing. Unlike most nights I spend fishing alone at Lower Pierce Reservoir when I'm moody, there were people who kept me company tonight, friends and strangers they were. First off were 2 Ah Bengs who came over to the "jetty" and talked with me, then before they left, Jianmin and his friend showed up. Shortly after they left, an Indian fellow called Joe showed up to keep me company. Weird and jumpy conversation was the mainstay of the night, but I was glad for it; I don't know what I might have done if I was alone.

Since a couple of weeks back, I've been having vivid dreams of Gu Yu. It's weird that I keep dreaming of her, and even in the day, when I'm thinking of stuff, she pops into my mind spontaneously. I don't know whether it's my subconscious reliving those moments I've spent with her, or a weird "psycho-kinetic" connection with her telling me something, but I know I just want to get over her. I don't want to think of her. I'm so scared that I'll go into a relapse, a time
past that I don't ever want to go through again.

Those months past when I was suffering from major depression was the worst period of my life. A break-up with Gu Yu, my posting to 41SAR, my friends ragging me about Gu Yu being a bitch fuelled my depressive mood. For want of a macho image, I hid behind a facade of "I'm only feigning depression to get out of 41SAR", I knew that I was slipping further and further into an abyss, and the further I fell, the harder it was to get out. It didn't help at all that often when the thought of Gu Yu popped into my head, Jay Chou's Coral Sea would just myteriously play a split second later. Even till now, it's still the case. The significance was that at that point in time near to the end of our relationship, Coral Sea was her favourite song by Jay Chou.

Right now, before I go back to scheduling a session with my psychiatrist, I think I need to inform my boss about what's going on, because as my superior, she needs to "be kept in the loop". I don't know how she'd react, because she doesn't know about that part about why I was depressed for that period of time. Most people would think it's silly to get depressed over such matters. I know that too, I'm aware that I shouldn't be this way, but I don't know how to address the problem. I work late, I push myself with exercise sessions to tire myself out, but nothing's working. I don't want to be this way, I don't want things this way and I don't want my life to continue forever in this direction.

The stressful part is that I've also been thinking about Gu Yu as if I'm still in a relationship with her. I know it's over, but I don't know, and I wonder why I'm suddenly thinking this way after so many months without seeing her. In my heart, she has died, and I want it to remain that way. I was never this stressed after my Grandma passed away in February this year, because I know that my Grandma would look after, and watch over me even if she's in the afterlife, that she's still around taking care of me. But for my past with Gu Yu, even though I've relinquished hold over those memories, they still come back. No matter how deep I bury them, burn them or delete them from my soul, still they come back without my wanting them.

My life. My dreams. My future. It's affecting my everthing. I don't know what's going on with regards to her existance now. But if there are things that are meant to be, please tell me, don't torment me, just rest in peace and leave me be.

Kenny died at 5:04 am