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Sunday, June 01, 2008

It's been a 5 crappy weeks for me. To those who say that a clerk's job is simple, I'd like to say "FUCK YOU". Really. And to those who think that I'm skiving in the army because I'm seeing a psychiatrist for treatment, I just want to tell you that if you don't know what's going on in my life now, just shut the fuck up. I've enough of you retarded fuck-ups who assume that you know everything that's going on in my life.

The dreams are becoming more and more surreal each night that goes by. I wake up before each dream completes itself. And when I wake up, I find myself perspiring, even when it's cold. Often, I find myself in weird positions, like my leg bent under my body or my upper body leaning over the side of the bed, nearly touching the floor. I thought the sleeping pills would give me a good and restful sleep, but that's not the case; even with the pills in my system, I still experience the same situations. It's not only when I'm in camp, even when I'm home I go through the same experiences.

Even while awake now, it seems like something is around. Yesterday afternoon I heard someone calling me while I was home alone. The main door and windows in the apartment were all closed, yet I distinctively heard a woman's voice calling my name. And while I was taking a shit last night, I heard someone pottering around in my kitchen. The sounds of a cupboard door opening and closing, and of some plastic containers being opened and closed. Is it not enough that the filipino maids in my estate find me attractive, but that I must go through this shit as well?

On another thought, I think it's time I gave up on a useless pursuit. It's no use waiting for her to accept me, it's useless for me to wait. I'm not the one she wants. Gah. So emo. Fuck it. Really. If only I could be the emotionless bastard that I once was, who didn't give a shit about the feelings of others, who didn't give a shit what position he or she held in life. I think my life could be more satisfying then. I wonder when it was that I started giving a shit about what other would think. I think then I wouldn't be suffering now.

But the me now would rather suffer than let others suffer. Gah. What a fucking loser I am. FUCK.

Kenny died at 1:26 am