Cookie!

Sunday, July 27, 2008

It's been a year and 2 months since I enlisted for National Service. The road hasn't been long, but somehow, it feels as if I've been through a lot, changing from being the gung-ho boy in BMTC School 1 Falcon Coy, to the brooding thinker and a clerk in 21SA. I felt the ups and downs like no one I've known. From a stable relationship with the love of my life, to a sudden break-up, my recruit days were marred with the tears mixed in the rain during my outfield training and the silent blood tears dripping from a torn heart. I didn't really know how to handle it, everything seemed to go hand in hand to make me feel so down; the daily heavy rains, my knee and back injuries due to the SOC training and the insensitive comments by my fellow recruits, and the male members in my family, as well as my friends. "There are always other girls around! This weekend when you book out let's go and meet girls!" That said, being the immature brats that most guys are when faced with such problems, that is the only thing they know how to do - get into rebound relationships.

I could have said now that I nearly came out on top of it all, but months ago those dreams and words spoken by friends who knew my ex-girlfriend in poly threw me off when I was so close to the peak. I don't know how it could have been that those words they said could have affected me that much. Maybe I wasn't prepared to accept the present and embrace a new future as I thought I was. The weakness I had within left me feeling helpless, and then the injuries I had that I exacerbated during BMT all came back in a flash. The turmoil within isn't that big of a joke, as assumed by my friends. I wonder why it is that people always think that I'm such a tough guy who's able to be hit here and there and still be able to be standing after the storm. I'm just as fragile as everyone else. I can't leave my feelings and emotions on a shelf, I can't detach myself from what happened. I want these to end. I want to start anew. There's no one I find close enough to stand by my side to hold me up.

And till today, I still miss her. I miss the days we spent together. I know that those days will never return to me in reality, and that all I can do now is to hold on to these memories that I have, and hope for a better future. The scar that's on my heart will never go away, but the pain might just go away one day.

Kenny died at 8:43 pm